I awoke at 4:45 AM to turn off the crock pot dish that had been cooking overnight and to initially go back to sleep. Normally, I can hop right back into my warm bed and dive into the dream state; this time, however, I just could not sink into my normal slumber.
Instead, I pulled up Facebook on my cellular (despite the articles I’ve read on the damage of screens to the eyes before bedtime) and browsed through some old friends and family members’ profiles. First, I stopped at one of my old best friend’s pages and then my older cousin. I spent the most time on my older cousin’s.
My older cousin and I had some rough patches growing up. I had always looked up to her as she was the older, more experienced female. I grew up without any sisters, so she was my favorite female family member to see. She lived two hours away from me, so when we did see each other, it was a big deal to me. Times when I would not see her for a while, I would call her house phone to talk to her and catch up. If somebody did answer the phone, it often was her sister who would tell me she wasn’t there (I later found out that this was on purpose). And if nobody answered, I would leave a heart-felt voicemail saying I hoped to hear from her and to call me back. I often never got calls back, which would often result in me feeling rejected and hurt.
It was clear that I just wasn’t good enough to this person. At least in my mind– thought it was something wrong with me. I didn’t realize at the time that her feelings about me had little to do with who I was and more with her. It has taken me a while to accept that people come as mirrors for us in our lives. And if we believe what that mirror is saying, whether it’s productive or not, we adopt it into our self-image.
I did not write this article to call my cousin out on things that happened in the past, I simply hope to reach out to those who have had someone they looked up to or idolized and came to find out that person wasn’t all the way there in the first place. It’s important to acknowledge that we all have experiences that we might not have accepted or made peace with. This morning I experienced a restlessness in mind and soul due to feelings of inadequacy that developed at a younger age. It is peaceful to know that we really do become what we think.
When we feel inadequate, we often wrestle with our ego so we can somehow prove we are better than whoever it is we feel inferior to. “Well I’m smarter anyway.” or “At least I know how to be polite.” We may even experience thoughts and feelings arise and we want to say, “No, I’m not supposed to feel like this.” Or, “I shouldn’t be experiencing such egotistical feelings and thoughts.” But, the fact of the matter is: we’re Human. We all fall sometimes.
Ultimately, I just want to end this by saying, I still love you, Cuzzo. I forgive you for the lessons you taught me indirectly of my self-worth. I also forgive you for the feelings of rejection I experienced from our relationship and I have realized it is only a part of the greater plan. I am happy you are on a path you have chosen and I will continue to work on my path. Let us both be instruments of Peace for this planet.
I’m sure there are others out there with similar experiences with family members and or people who grew up alongside of them. The good news is that we really are all aspects of the Divine/God/Universal Force. Therefore, nobody is greater than the other. So, let us find an equilibrium of worthiness among each other. Let the spotlight hang low on all of us so we can see everyone’s light in unison.
Have a wonderful week.